I am posting part of a piece that I did as a series for a Baltimore sports radio station about what a sports bar should really be like in order to promote my new live sports comedy commentary Twitter account  The Couch Coach Network (@ccnlive). We are ripping into every live nationally televised sporting event as well as some regional NFL, NBA, NCAA and MLB games of note. I hope you will follow @ccnlive as well as retweet what you think are our best lines. In the meanwhile… I will be at the (sports) bar.

It seems that every bar that I walk into calls themselves a “Sports Bar.” Not so fast. Simply tuning your TV’s to a “sports” channel qualifies you to be a sports bar as much as buying a jersey allows you to bang Eva Longoria. I understand why places leave sports on all day. Restaurant and bar owners want their customers to have a good time while they are in their establishment so they don’t want people distracted with all the horrible things going on in the world like earthquakes, crime or “Glee”. So sports it is…

But to really be a sports bar you should have to set yourself apart from regular bars with the way you run your business. First of all you want to keep children and anyone that has ever ordered biscotti without being sarcastic out of the area so a sports bar should be like the adult movie section of your old neighborhood video store: It’s in the back corner of the place and you enter through old time saloon style doors under a sign that plainly reads “Adults Only-Must be 18 Years of Age.” Secondly, every TV should have sporting events on. EVERY FUCKING ONE. Not guys in turtlenecks and ponytails talking about sports. And by sports, I mean GAMES. Baseball, Basketball, UFC matches, Horse Racing, Australian Rules Football, South American body snatching, Chinese monkey punching-I don’t care what it is as long as it’s run back to back and nonstop like episodes of “Law And Order.”

To me one of the reasons that someone would go to a sports bar would be to recreate the feeling of actually going to a sporting event-so why can’t a sports bar try to be more like the stadium? Let people bring their own chairs and let them grill out in the bar like they do in the parking lot. Encourage patrons to throw snowballs and bottles after bad calls like they do at the game. Show shots of the bar owner in his luxury box on the security camera every time one of his employees does something good. And have the bathroom set up like stadium bathrooms but pipe in random crowd cheering because if you think you are missing a big play it will keep the line moving.

Now in order to be successful the 21st century, you need to be interactive. That’s why the sports bar of the future should also have showers. If a guy gets out of line or switches from beer to white zinfandel the manager will come out, take his drink away, pat him on the butt, motion for the lefthander because he is done for the day.