MOST POPULAR TWEETS

How many Jesus candles do I have to light to get a stripper to come over and make me a fried bologna sandwich?

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) July 25, 2013

The Nathan's #hotdogeatingcontest is the only thing that looks the same in fast forward or rewind.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) July 4, 2013

All it takes is one Dunkin Donuts staffer to reach over the counter and deal out a manners lesson to tilt the universe back to normal.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 11, 2013

If your deadline is sundown there's a 74% chance that you'll need a pistol.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 2, 2013

If you text me a graduation picture of your daughter-please label it. Your proud moment has me scrambling to retrace my steps last night.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 1, 2013

Slept in a ditch last night and woke up next to the morning newspaper. Going door to door now looking for a continental breakfast.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) May 24, 2013

Since everyone is on Twitter I would like to say "cram it" to my bitch of a 2nd grade teacher. #probablydead

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) May 16, 2013

NASCAR fans are the last people that should be complaining about gas prices.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) March 31, 2013

The opening whistling of the Scorpions "Winds Of Change" is the worst buzz kill since the search warrant.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) March 20, 2013

At the DMV for the jean jacket fashion show.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) March 6, 2013

Police departments have Twitter accounts? I don't follow cops… cops follow me.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) February 5, 2013

You only seem to be tired in the morning when you wake up where you're supposed to. #WhereAmIEnergy

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) January 31, 2013

You named your bar "Rumors"? Great. What bowling alley is it in?

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) January 18, 2013

For those of you posting on Twitter and Facebook that your power is out-be considerate of your local looters and post your address also.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) October 29, 2012

Shes a "free spirit" if you're fucking her and an idiot if you're not.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) October 13, 2012

North Carolina is the only place you see tobacco planted next to a graveyard and the only place that fails to see the irony in it.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) July 19, 2012

If it doesn’t carry a warning label I’m not drinking it.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 30, 2012

Watching CNBC and cranking Molly Hatchet-I am a human El Camino!

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) March 19, 2012

Cop investigating my apartment burglary recognized me from TV. First time a positive ID by the police has not led to my arrest.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) February 9, 2012

I can't remember… is it: "If you come in late, they won't notice you're drunk" or "If you come in drunk, they won't notice you're late"?

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) December 2, 2011

More guys would take yoga if they changed the name to "Rolling around on the floor with married women"

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) September 27, 2011

According to the latest poll taken at 4:30 this morning no one in my building likes Motorhead.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) August 25, 2011

Why do children have more fun than adults? Because children don't know what jail is like.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) August 3, 2011

Did a show at a Catholic School last night that had no hard liquor. Scored some 80 proof tilt by going through a few student lockers.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) January 23, 2011

If your voicemail ends in "Have a great day!" I bet green money the gap between you-& you banging a stripper requires resetting your watch.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) November 4, 2010

The difference between being violently drunk and violently ill is the need for a "blanky".

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) October 27, 2010

Some dork on tonight’s Wheel Of Fortune announced he was majoring in “Organ Performance”. His parents are now disconnecting their phone.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) August 25, 2010

At a Ted Nugent concert. I am the hottest chick here.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) July 30, 2010

Really high on lead paint and watching Pokemon. I totally get it now.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) July 5, 2010

My flight status just went from “delayed” to a picture of a Chicago Cubs World Series ring. Looks like I will be a while…

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) March 22, 2010

Buying shoes at DSW & the place is packed with cougars. You can find me with the rest of the guys pretending to look at the size 12's.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) October 5, 2009

Traveling @ 21 mph on the highway behind a Rush Messenger van. It looks like the slowdown is being caused by some heavy irony.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 9, 2009

Having a seance in my condo to hear what past residents were thinking when making paint/wallpaper choices. Cant be scarier than what's here.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) September 9, 2008

Watchin a guy vomit 26 minutes into the NYC Bar Show. The amazing news, according to the authorities, is that is NOT the record.

— John McClellan (@boozecoma) June 22, 2008

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