I haven’t had a lot of luck with getting press lately so I thought I would interview myself about the X Games.

Boozecoma World News: Have you been watching the X Games?
John McClellan: I do like to watch the X Games because it’s the only sporting event, other than the hot dog eating competition, that every single contestant has a real and legitimate chance to die. I root for every contestant’s death to the point when a guy stumbles after a jump and is able to finish his run, I feel a little cheated.

BWN: After a contestant actually died a few years back the focus has on been the stories behind the competitors.
JMC: Good stories are not what the people want anymore. There is a real desire for something that ends in tears and maybe some eventual rule changes to compensate the grieving energy drink sponsors. You really can’t understand how hard these stunts are to perform until some shag-head is pinned between a dirt bike and a blood soaked snow bank using his last breath to apologize about running away from home.

BWN: As a parent that would be devastating to watch.
JMC: I’m pretty sure most of these kids are products of broken homes. Who else would bankroll the parade of totaled dirt bikes it takes to perfect these tricks other than a weekend dad trying to buy his son’s love?

BWN: What do you like about watching the events?
JMC: The Winter X Games are built around the idea of so-called “extreme” athletes who on purpose perform mid-air skiing and motorized vehicle tricks. This had to be invented by accident by some drunk Wisconsin yahoo when he lost control of his Polaris. It’s literally like watching security footage at last call.

BWN: What would you change about the games?
JMC: Make me the announcer. I would invent the names of the tricks on the spot to sound like dirty sex maneuvers. “Oh! He came off the lip into a Scottish Phone Booth and completed a near perfect Cuban Science Exam! We were expecting to see the Double Fudgehammer but he just went with the flow on that run.”

BWN: Will you be performing any Double Fudgehammers anytime soon?
JMC: Check my website for upcoming shows…